Defusing
Anger in Others
by
Dave Rodwell
Occasionally,
people approach us in such a state of anger or frustration, that it
is first necessary to calm them down, or defuse their anger to some
degree, before we can work effectively to meet their needs. Note that
this is not always possible and, at some point, it should be considered
whether alternative interventions should be applied (e.g., contacting
police or guard service). Below is some general information regarding
anger, with recommendations for reducing anger in others.
Key Points
-
Anger and aggression are often the product of frustration and a feeling
of powerlessness.
- Efforts
to resist physically or verbally are counterproductive, and put the
aggressor in an even more defensive position.
- Listening
is the most important skill in defusing anger. Do not attempt to reason
with a person in the midst of irrational anger.
- Aikido
Principle: Aikido moves to dissipate the power of an attack by leading
the attacker in a new direction so that the attack is neutralized.
Rather than resisting a person's anger, redirect their verbal aggression
into a non-threatening form of discussion that can bring about a cooperative,
problem-solving approach.
Six Elements of Defusing Anger in Others
-
Communicating Respect
- Cooperating
- Effective
Listening
- Reframing
- Asserting
-
Disengaging
1.
Communicating Respect: Demonstrating respect is a primary means
for de-escalating hostility.
-
Communicate respect with appropriate listening skills and non-aggressive
body language.
- Show
an interest in resolving the issue or meeting the other's needs and
concerns.
- Acknowledge
the importance of their concern.
- Refrain
from openly judging his/her behaviour.
2.
Cooperating: Cooperate, unless doing so causes harm to you
or others.
-
Demonstrate that you understand he/she is upset and angry.
- Refrain
from pointing out some reason why the person should not be angry.
- Do
not disagree, but focus on communicating a bit of empathy for the
person's feelings.
- Your
objective is not to cure the other person of their anger; it is simply
to avoid escalation.
3.
Effective Listening: Listening skills are crucial to defusing
anger. In any attempt to defuse anger, the focus must shift from getting
your point across, to understanding the person, and allying with them
toward a common goal.
-
Everyone wants to be listened to, and to feel understood. People often
become angry or aggressive only after a lengthy period of not feeling
acknowledged.
- Do
not give in to the temptation to interrupt or correct the angry person.
Rational arguments may only provoke their hostility.
- When
people are under stress associated with conflict or insecurity, the
potential for misinterpretation is greatly increased.
- Paraphrase,
clarify, and gather information.
- Validate
the person's experience. You do not have to agree with them, only
that you have listened to them and understand why they might be feeling
the way they do (e.g., "If I felt like I was getting the
'run around' all the time, I'd probably feel angry, too.").
- Use
'open-ended' questions (e.g., "What would you like to see
happen in this situation?").
- Be
aware of your reactions, and attempt to change your 'judgment' into
'curiosity.'
- Generally,
match, then lower the person's intensity.
- Watch
nonverbal communication (i.e., open or closed posture, frowning, shaking
your head).
- Standing
at an angle (sideways), rather than directly opposing someone, can
help keep a situation calm and non-adversarial.
- Don't
talk too much, and use the person's name (if known).
4.
Reframing: Redirect aggression into a non-threatening discussion
of the person's underlying needs.
-
When faced with hostility, it is natural to push back. Reframing is
a way to change directions.
- Reframing
reflects understanding, but changes the emphasis from differences
to common ground, from the negative to the positive. A reframe upon
what the person clearly values, can lead to new directions and common
ground (e.g., "I can see that 'honesty' and 'fairness' are
very important to you, they are to me as well...").
5.
Asserting: There are times when you clearly need to assert
your own needs and interests in order to effectively manage the situation
(and help the person place boundaries upon their anger).
-
Set clear, firm boundaries, and expectations for appropriate behaviour.
- Be
'hard' on the issues, but 'soft' on the person.
- Use
'I' statements. 'You' statements tend to raise the level of tension
(often accusatory). For example, "I feel anxious when you
pound on the desk...and it makes it hard for me to listen to you effectively."
- Use
'and,' rather than 'but' (e.g., "I can see your point, and
I can also see the need for..."). 'But' is known as the
'verbal eraser,' as it tends to erase everything that precedes it
in a statement.
- Assertive
requests are not always appropriate (with high threat, cooperation
is primary).
6.
Disengaging: Remove yourself (or the other person) from the
threatening situation when listening and other methods are failing to
reduce threat.
-
Disengage when you are also angered and/or fear for your safety.
- Explain
the need for a break or 'time-out,' and also a commitment for you
(or someone else) to return to the matter. Offer food or beverage,
if available and appropriate.
- Request
assistance of supervisor, co-worker.
- Debrief
your experience with someone you trust.
If
Someone Shows Signs of Losing Control
-
Get help before trouble starts. Use a prearranged warning signal to
alert others.
- Stay
calm. This will help keep the person calm.
- Talk
slowly and calmly. Use a firm, confident tone.
- Don't
threaten, but inform of consequences of inappropriate behaviour.
- Try
to leave yourself an escape route.
- Seek
safety at your first opportunity.
- Take
time to debrief the situation with colleagues, supervisors, and/or
counselling and psychological services.
©
2006 Prepared by Dave Rodwell, All rights reserved. www.daverodwell.com
Used with permission of the author.
Edmonton
based, former RCMP, Dave Rodwell has been helping companies protect
their assets for 38 years as a peace officer, investigator, consultant
and lecturer. He can help train your team to combat theft, increase
security and work more effectively. He can help solve your organization’s
security problems.
Dave can
be reached at 780-460-3028 or dave@daverodwell.com Visit his website
at www.daverodwell.com for more articles and information.
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